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20-Nov-2019 23:03

The two men on bicycles in Palo Alto were Swedes, raised in a country that teaches healthy attitudes toward sexuality and gender in school, starting in kindergarten, including lessons on not just biology but healthy relationships, destigmatizing taboos around sex, and, yes, affirmative consent.

They knew that a woman who is lying still and not participating in sex is a woman who isn’t consenting. Affirmative consent, when taught well, also removes heteronormative assumptions from sex ed.

Nineteen states require sex educators to teach that sex should only happen after marriage.As the interview wound down, the reporter, a young woman, asked me the surprisingly personal question off the record.She wanted me to teach her how to know what she wanted in bed.In the absence of comprehensive, pleasure-based sex ed, we rely on media and other cultural institutions to model what sex should be like.Whether you turn to abstinence propagandists, mainstream pop culture, or free internet porn to fill in those gaps, you’re likely to wind up with an incredibly narrow and bankrupt idea of how sex works, one that positions men as sexual actors, women as the (un)lucky recipients of men’s desire, and communication of consent as lethal to both boners and romance.

Nineteen states require sex educators to teach that sex should only happen after marriage.As the interview wound down, the reporter, a young woman, asked me the surprisingly personal question off the record.She wanted me to teach her how to know what she wanted in bed.In the absence of comprehensive, pleasure-based sex ed, we rely on media and other cultural institutions to model what sex should be like.Whether you turn to abstinence propagandists, mainstream pop culture, or free internet porn to fill in those gaps, you’re likely to wind up with an incredibly narrow and bankrupt idea of how sex works, one that positions men as sexual actors, women as the (un)lucky recipients of men’s desire, and communication of consent as lethal to both boners and romance.That was the first of many times I’d come to hear that kind of question from women young and old who have been so discouraged from prioritizing their own sexual pleasure.